c.a. davis

// filmmaker | editor | storyteller \\

I Am

I write this as a realization (of sorts).

I won’t ever be famous. I won’t ever edit or write the next bluck-buster. I won’t ever appear, candidly, on Conan or Ellen. My writing will never be a New York Times best seller. I won’t ever be known outside of the few hundred people I’ve ever met in my life. I won’t ever be read by more than a few thousand, if that. I won’t ever be anything more than the man I choose to be day after day, and that man is a simple man.

He has no assets. Nothing to claim as his own. He has no money, no jewels, no car, no house. He has nothing more than the day he lives. He has nothing more than the love he gives. This man is not famous. His biggest claim to fame was nothing more than “ordinary” in his industry’s eyes.

It’s saddening, at first, to understand that your dreams and desires are nothing more than that, nothing more than an apparition you’ll never catch. However, I wonder, what is the alternative?

To be famous. To have assets. To be rich. To be known by millions. To be wanted by millions. To be scrutinized by people you’ll never meet nor have even ever realized existed. To owe your life to the people who allow you to live it as recklessly as you choose. To drink away misery. To ignore the pain. To embrace nothing more than the high of being “me.”

But, what is that -- “me?” Is it a concrete object? An idea? An abstraction of something much simpler? If I had all the fame, all the glory, all the recognition in the world, would I truly be happier? Would you? Is anybody? To think that such things could save my happiness is as foolish to think them as achievable in the first place. There is no reason to be famous. The people who are famous are famous because they have been at the right time, right place, and knew the right people. We value figures of authority or of great knowledge as some sort of wanted or needed dictators over the rest of us. Perhaps this is the worker bee within us all, eager to please but so much less eager to lead. Perhaps it is up to the individual’s personality. Perhaps it’s destiny.

In any case, I know this for sure: we do not control it. We do not control where we born, to whom we were born, why we were born, or how, or when, or as what. We simply appear in the brightness, cry, and breathe a new breath every passing moment. Until we breath no more. What else is there to do in this life other than breathe?

However, as consequence of our mere existence, there is thought, concepts derived thereafter, perceptions of time, physics and the world, and there is passion. From our existence stem the seeds of pain, agony, pleasure, and ecstasy. There is greatness and sadness. Joy and failure. When I realize, “I will never achieve what I have set out to do,” I am actively working at proving myself wrong. I am, therefore, a contradictory of thought and action. I am, essentially, the embodiment of dichotomy. I am happy and sad. Good and bad. Proud and humble. I am not ever going to be worth more than the day I live, however I am worth infinitely more in my potential.

I am.

And I live. And, one day, I will die. But not anytime soon (cross my fingers), not until the job is done. I am no prophet, nor mystic. I simply live and love and feel. Feel passion for life. Feel love for others living. Love the feeling of being alive. Love life and the feelings derived thereof. I live to love and feel, and to do anything else is merely of consequence.

So, I realize now that I will never be anything more than the man I choose to be today. Nothing more than the consequences derived from my voluntary actions. Sometimes this leads to admiration. Sometimes this leads to an increased number of readers or listeners. Sometimes it leads down a dark and lonely path, of which few return. But, it does indeed lead down a path recognizable to others, a path that inspires others to live as they feel fit for them. Perhaps that’s the only thing worth worrying about, living for life as you feel fit. Perhaps there are no answers at all. Whatever the solution is that you come up with, one thing is certain: while you fall asleep next to a waterfall, you can choose to either be bothered by it or allow it to no longer be heard.

And that -- choice -- is what empowers us all.